DEAR DREAMER

Your mind is a haven of dreams;
Little snippets of miracles – Boastful of their magnificence, vain in their abundance.
Does life like your plan, dear dreamer ?
For the years are a bit too few,
the struggles a bit too many.

Your eyes alight with the sparkles of a distant future;
A reflection of the light that doesn’t exist.
Is the world backing you up, dear dreamer?
The fire in your heart will suffice – for now
But this is an open arena and a storm is coming.

Scars of the battlefield will be your jewels of victory;
A new perspective in your eyes – Every breath seems like the last, every gain the first.
Are you a fighter, dear dreamer?
For I see in you the will for a never-ending war,
I see a light that refuses to flicker away.

You will win, for it’s a victory that you fought.
If you turned the future bright with your eyes closed, oh, the things you will do with eyes wide open!
Is fate your friend, dear dreamer?
For it admires rebels and I hear you are their warrior.
Take your sword of passion, move forward and conquer them all.

Conquer them all, dear dreamer.
For hope is your ally – and it wants you to win.

– Roselina Roby

HER STORY

Trapped by choice inside the four walls, I gaze out the window.
Ah, such a beautiful night!
Grace me with a different life and I will use night to bask in the moonlight.
Are these stars God’s gift to me, I wonder.
For they are the closest to gems I will ever get.
Perhaps he doesn’t hate me as much as they say.
Perhaps I’m not tainted as much as they say.

My body still pains from when they kicked me out of God’s home.
The only comfort the sanctuary I made for him.
I sold my soul to the devil when I sold my body, they say. Prayers should suffice for survival, they claim.
Oh! How I wish mother had told me that before she succumbed to starvation.
How I wish I hadn’t been selfish enough to crave life.
Does he really hate me as much as they say?
Am I really tainted as much as they say?

Who is a White Knight? Even craving an ordinary love is painful.
Will I never be loved?
Will I never get to love?
Heart so bruised with a clear body, body so tainted but a heart untouched.
A curse that won’t end with my end for, they say, the gates to paradise are not for me.
Perhaps he does hate me as much as they say.
Perhaps I am tainted as much as they say.

Let it end, please.

-Roselina Roby

MAKE ME DREAM AGAIN

I’d been in the hollow for so long,
Eyes closed, for then the darkness would be a choice, wouldn’t it?
Agonizing over being the one left behind.

She’d been a part of my essence, her loss iterated how truly big a part
Her dreams shattered like a mirror, pieces of glass piercing her bruises further,
Throat choked by the claws of despondency,
She let the lake of afterlife soothe it.
“Why can’t I come too?” – I’d begged.
A smile I got in return, nothing more… so much more.
Now the realization didn’t just dawn, it thrust through the wall of ice and broke it down.
Her smile was not quite just the curve of her lips, but an entire saga.

“I may die and yet live in my death, why, though, should you die while living?
I’d dreamt with my entire being. Passion flowing through my veins, not blood.
This dream fell apart, yes, it did. Oh, but, how well I’d dreamt!
I lived an eternity in my short life, and I still live on.
Why, then, should you cease to dream?
Why, then, my dear, should you cease to live?

Dream.

Even if it crushes you bit by bit, even if your heart bleeds.
For a wounded heart is better than a numb one.
And a brief existence is better than a bland one.
This world is such a beautiful place, make it exquisite with your spirit.
The entire sky is waiting for you, get out of your pit and fly.
Let your heart go wild and make your soul smile,
And when you lose hope, think of me.
For when we reunite in the Garden of Eden, let you be the storyteller amongst us.
Let you be the one with adventures.”

-Roselina Roby
 

TWISTED

Irony takes the lead in the narrative,
The submissive confronts the free bird and triumphs.
If you find beauty in the brick walls that suffocate you…
Would it be tragically wonderful or wonderfully tragic?

I desire to fly, but the ropes of fear have tied me to the pit.
Perhaps you define fear for me,
Sucking the fortitude out of me with your kisses.
Should I love you or abhor you?
Lovingly hugging me to cut my wings.

I desire to escape, but these boundaries have started to mesmerize me.
Perhaps you define beauty for me,
Concealing the ecstatic world beyond.
Should I call you my captor or my protector?
Shielding me by caging me in.

How twisted am I to let this go on?
You thrust your hand into my chest and I snuggle closer.
How twisted are you to let this go on?
Squeezing my heart to fit into your fist.
I suppose love, ah love, is the answer to all.
The broken bones, bruises on my cheek.
My scar, perhaps, is the lovely mark of your passion.
Shall I cover it up or flaunt it for my wretched love?

It’s cruel how you find darkness within light, light within darkness.
Love comes in million forms, some of them despicable.

Can you heal my wings, please?
I’d like to fly back to sanity
I’ve been stranded for far too long.

Can you talk to God, please?
I prayed for a love that consumed me.
He took me too literally.

-Roselina Roby

GOODBYE, MY LOVE. HELLO, MY FRIEND.

Let us weave the special bond of camaraderie
With the beautiful threads of our memories.
A preordained future;  you in my life, me in yours?
A tittle at the corner of your heart, tiny yet unchanging.
For I’ll let you be my favourite star,
Smiling in remembrance, I’ll adore you from afar.
You’ll be the one twinkling from that constant spot of yours,
When heart feels somber, I’ll know where to look.
You matter now, ‘cause you mattered once.
You’ll matter always, ‘cause you mattered first.
But above all, you matter because…
You shined so bright, illuminated my heart, taught me how to love.
And, oh, how spectacularly my world has changed since!
So I’ll let you be my favourite chapter,
One I love to revisit and revise.
Overwhelming my spirit with nostalgia, without the hue of melancholy anymore
Never feel powerless, the entire sky was created for you.
I’ll be there, always, whether you feel lonely or heavy-hearted.
Like a friend, a wall. Even a warrior princess, really.
For now you are my favourite star.
Smiling in remembrance, oh how I adore you from afar.

WILL YOU?

Will you miss the chance to love,
only to have nothing worth missing at all?
‘Cause sometimes it’s enough to endure the ache,
but other times you turn weak and fall apart.

Will you give up on that one smile
To avoid those thousand tears?
Spoil your heart with love for them,
Then ruin it when you part.

Will you be their perpetual rainbow,
Only to be overwhelmed by darkness within?
Spread laughter and smiles
Even when there are no traces of joy left inside.

Will you save them,
Only to squander the chance to escape yourself?
For what if they don’t come back for you,
What if you stay trapped forever.

What would you leave if you never got the chance to keep it again?
What would you choose if the choice stayed with you forever?
For life is too long to live with regrets,
Yet too short, don’t let it fizzle away mourning.

So ask yourself…

Will you miss the chance to love, only to have nothing worth missing at all?

FEAR OF FEAR?

I’d believed great realization comes like a sudden wave, magnificent in its solitude, terrorizing because of its abruptness. Now I’ve learned it in a rather strange way that sometimes it comes to you bit by bit, like one brick after the other, forming a massive wall in the prison of your brain as if nothing is wrong. All of them are right there and you won’t even notice because hey, they don’t make you feel anything, do they? Then one fine day this wall breaks, it doesn’t matter how or when or why, the only thing that matters is the burst of emotions it brings. You needed it to shatter, get destroyed, because now that it is hurting, you will finally see the multitudinous iotas of realization backed by instances. Really see them.

I’d been delusional in my interpretation of fear. For me it was just the apprehension you feel when you’re walking alone on the street in the dark or worrying about telling your parents that you got a C in Sociology. It is hilarious how I never even noticed how fear could actually, and had actually, started ruling my life. Just the different kind.

I became afraid to write my heart out, afraid to show the world the raw thoughts that my mind housed. Poetry became a medium to pass time in Criminal Law Class and stopped being a window to my soul.

I became afraid of love because, oh well, who wants to get hurt? And isn’t love bound to hurt you? For we are mere mortals, it is only logical that the love in our mortal hearts will have its inevitable end too.

I became afraid to read, write, watch tragedies because they made me feel too much, made me think too much. I remember feeling the innocent tears on my cheeks and childishly saying “never again”.

I became afraid of losing, of not being able to excel in the things I had passion for and now, my heart has ceased to care enough even to try to win.

I became afraid of committing to real people, chose TV shows instead. That is, after all, the thing about fiction, you can choose to believe it’s real when everything is rainbows and sunshine and remember it’s not when things go dark.

I became afraid of people not liking me (yes, I am shallow that way). Sometimes I just never know if I’m being too forward or too loquacious or too frikking stupid. And soon, I realised, that I’d inadvertently started conducting mini-debates within myself even before saying a simple “Hi” to an acquaintance.

And now I have also become afraid of letting this fear rule me, which in itself means that it already does. It has turned into an anesthesia to my heart, made it numb. I have understood that smiling brightly is easier when you don’t have anything to feel. The smile will remain constant because its connection to the heart has turned futile anyway.

Today I realized that I’d stopped feeling long time ago, that I’d stopped living long time ago. And how ironic is it that I’d always tried to run away from tragedies.

ILLUSIONS

In the lush forest, a tree.
In the vast desert, some sand.
She was but a dot in his long line of existence.
She urged to be the entire saga, all he gave her were a few pages.
She was naïve, or had her heart taken over?
His love defined her existence, his existence defined her love.
Her delusions gave her tranquility, the alternate-universe had become her home.
Her imagination had created a rose garden, truth acidic upon it.
Was reality already twisted? Or could her heart be blamed for twisting them?
She never dared to ask herself, perhaps she never will.

CATERPILLAR

The past seems like a magnificent utopia,
An alluring bubble, evanescing when touched.
The emotion that consumes me, I’m perplexed,
but since my heart is clenching, it must be sorrow.
Turn me back into a caterpillar, mother.
Being a butterfly seems just so wrong.
My wings don’t reflect my spirit,
And, for the flight, I don’t feel so strong.
Turn me back into a caterpillar, mother.
For I want those feelings back,
The buoyant anticipation of a wonderful future,
The excitement to fly, that now seems lost.
I spent a chunk of my eternity, pursuing treasures in the seven seas,
And now I’m missing the land.
I spent so long climbing, trying to reach the unattainable summit
And now it seems so utterly insignificant.
Give me a chance to figure out what went awry,
this is the future I desired, but suddenly don’t want.
Give me a chance to grow up again; a do-over.
I need to somehow weave the life in which I belong.
So turn me into a caterpillar, mother.
For being a butterfly seems just so wrong.
My wings don’t reflect my spirit
And, for the flight, I don’t feel so strong.

SWEET HEARTACHE

There is a sanguine elegance in the inevitability of heartache,
A jovial melancholy in me falling without expecting you to catch.
My heart feels sturdier, affections seem immaculate,
Somehow not tainted by the impending sorrow.
Perhaps this was what I’d been waiting for all along,
My soul yearned to be taught how to love, and now it knew.
It is twisted how I want my heart’s wishes to be denied.
For love fizzles away, the pang of heartbreak stays. Always.
And I want your memory to reside in the sublime garden of nostalgia.
So I shall hold on to you…
by letting you go.

SELFISH

Need you, I don’t.
My essence emanates from the sparkle within,
I depend no more on the borrowed smidgens of joy.
For my soul, not yours, defines me.
Every iota of my identity? Mine.

Want you, I don’t.
For my heart has bled enough,
Let me cease the agony,
Not that I can’t take anymore, but ‘cause I choose not to.
The discretion to hold on or let go? Mine.

Love you, I don’t. Anymore.
For in loving you I somehow loved myself less,
This heart of mine, ever so benign to me, let me favour it now.
It has been a saint for too long, let it sin just this once, let me be selfish just this once.
The heartbeats that define my existence? Mine.

YOU ARE LOVED

Defeat doesn’t become you, my love;
Your eyes- two bleak orbs of despair,
“Your zest doesn’t need my wretched essence”, you whisper,
And I know you’ve forgotten what our love truly does mean.
You feel desolate, shattered and miserable,
trembling with the yearning to know your place in the world.
And I want to bare my soul, show you
how much you matter, how much you are loved.
The myriad pieces of your heart
scattered across the bland shadow of nothingness.
I’ll find every single one of them,
stick them together with my spirit.
My heart is feeling fiery, soul is ablaze,
And I’ll let it burn to illuminate the dark abyss of your thoughts.
Look at yourself with my eyes
And you’ll feel the dejection fade away,
For I see you for all that you are and all that you could be.
Your mind aches with the dreams you can’t help but see.
Let us transform them into actuality together.
You had a stumble on the way,
Let’s get you up and sprint forward together.
For I’m right here, believing in you,
showing you that you are loved.

SLEEP

Today I’ll earn an iota of the greatness destined,
Take another step forward, get an inch closer,
Today I’ll acquire yet another piece of life’s puzzle,
Reach the next level in the treasure hunt for success.

For now, however, I shall sleep.

Time has formulated the rules of this game, let me still challenge it.
It expects me to concede, it holds the cheat codes after all.
Victory is assured, it feels, oh but honey, there are more ways to win than one.
I will structure my own future, trick the trickster known as fate.
Reach my own customized paradise, fabricate my own space.

For now, however, I shall sleep.

The clarity of my bubble has turned rival to the dew.
The ardent urge to succeed overwhelming,
It stabs at my spirit with a force that cannot be construed,
A sting unbearable, yet somehow cardinal.
I shall, I will, I must win this race.

For now, however, I shall sleep.

IRREPLACEABLE

Some fear betrayal, some desolation…
I? I fear being replaceable.
It is a wild hope, an ardent desire,
An irrational need to be the one.
Let me be that imperative segment in the puzzle of your life,
That special book, in the saga of your existence.
Let me be your analogy of love, the tale that precedes every other tale.
Let the memory of my love remain, even if I am forgotten.
The moon and the stars embellish the vault of heaven
But let me be the sun, engulfing you with illumination.
Break me into pieces, but keep the pieces safe
in that untouchable corner of your heart.
For I need nothing more,
For I shall ask for nothing more.
Let us think of each other even in blissful ignorance
Just let me be…
Irreplaceable, in your life.

LITTLE JOYS

Why do tears invariably pursue smiles?
Why after tremendous joy, heart cries?
Does it miss the goodness of older days?
Yearn to go back to that time and space?
Oh, but it can’t, doesn’t it know?
We have to change, we have to grow.
Then go out in the world and make it ours.
Make every juncture matter, all the minutes and hours.

Why is world so gloomy? Why are people forlorn and sad?
Why do days require to be assorted as good or bad?
Why have little snippets of bliss ceased to matter anymore?
Yet even the little sorrows batter the very heart’s core.
Oh, how can I judge? Ain’t I the same?
I’m elated, then sombre, then elated again,
Its just like a game.

But sorrows don’t walk, they prance.
One has passed? The other’s on its way.
So let’s just stay strong and be ready for it, whatsay?
And believe that even the tiniest iota of delight matters.
The insanity and the unnecessary chatters.
Then spread this happiness, if not always, then once in a while.
Do your bit- a greeting, a smile.
Consign to oblivion the extraneous, sad ponderings.
Relish a life in which soul dances and heart sings.

MYSTERY

I am the unknown within the known.
The painting you will never figure out,
The song you thought you understood, but had gotten the lyrics wrong.
Let not my loquaciousness fool you,
My psyche houses a universe teeming with enigmas, you’ll be appalled.
Glance into it once if you can,
Its rainbows in the dark and unicorns ruling hell, you’ll be startled.
Perhaps you can’t see the woe behind the twinkle of my eye,
For the happiness reflected is still ironically sincere.
You might not see the shades of loneliness beneath the smile,
For the evident contentment is strangely not a charade.
I stopped scrutinizing my spirit long time ago, shouldn’t you too?
Don’t try to untangle my soul, for the knots make me stronger.
Don’t look for solutions, you won’t ever find one.
For I was never meant to be a mystery.

HAVEN OF MONSTERS, ANGELS DARE NOT.

“Happy Birthday little Angel!”,He exclaimed, words losing their splendour when He saw her face.
Were these the eyes of His dear one, He wondered, since, of joy, they had no trace.
“What is the matter dear one, are you unwell, perhaps tired,
Or are you enraged ‘cause of that one angel I fired??
Perchance wondering what your birthday present would be,
But do not fret little girl ‘cause you see…
I’ve got the one thing you wished you’d got-
A chance to live with the human lot
on their earth, or if rightly said- mine,
a chance to live and a chance to shine.”

“ Oh no Dear Father, Oh no please don’t!
I value my bliss and the stakes are too high.
No longer, dear Father, is this the earth You owned,
It’s an abyss of monsters and villains, deceit and lie!
Believe me Father , that’s what they do,
Oh Heavens! Dear God, have You indeed got no clue??
It’s no longer a benign sanctuary for women, let alone a naive angel like me.
Everyday they’re bruised, they’re hit, they’re ‘bused, everyday I see…
Everyday they fight, they cry, they scream, they screech, everyday I see…
Everyday they get a death worse than death itself , Everyday I see…
Oh so dear Father, how can this world be for me?

Give me, if you may, a baby unicorn, that certainly would suffice,
Anything but the risk of an earth life will do, as is easy to surmise.
Oh what a glorious world it once was..!
Its little wonders made us do the usual ‘oh’s and ‘awe’s,
The rest of the angels as well as me, Earth was where we’d aspired to be,
Now, though, a gift as such is so frightening, a flower instead will keep me satisfied,
But please Oh God, make no mentions of such ill fortune… for I will be petrified!
‘Cause Oh Father, It’s no longer a benign sanctuary for women, let alone a naive angel like me
Everyday they get a death worse than death itself . . . Everyday I see…

BEAUTIFUL?

As I look at you, I wonder;
What word should I describe you with?
What term would summarize with justice
all that you are and all that you have.
Are you beautiful?
Or are you a plain sight to behold?
Should I call you perfect?
Or should I acknowledge the abounding imperfections that form the wonderful disaster that you are.
And then I look at you again, really look at you,
and I see your smile, see contentment in your eyes,
I see the tranquil ocean that has decided to endure every storm with grace.
And I realize how I’ve been vain.
Is beauty all that we’ve held it to be?
For now staring at the mirror, I see happiness.
I see joviality, hope and peace all rolled into one.
And that, for me, is the most beautiful sight ever.
I am happy.
That is perfect enough.